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A Song A Week 2023: Part One

by Kate Sloan

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1.
Go Fuck Yourself 03:06
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my friend is stressed she's working too hard; she's a mess she can't ever seem to unwind can't seem to find the time she told me how she feels so distant from her body now & I said one thing that might help: why don't you go fuck yourself? go & moan all alone in your bed go fuck yourself with any old fantasy in your head & so you're solo – but so what? YOLO! you can do it perfectly well go fuck yourself! go fuck yourself at home, alone saturday night on my own & I'm hating my own company feeling like a nobody but it's true, there are things I can do to lift up my mood & give myself a little help: I'm gonna go fuck myself go & moan all alone in my bed go fuck yourself you might be alone, but you're sure not dead & so you're solo – but so what? YOLO! you can do it perfectly well go fuck yourself! go fuck yourself saturday night, it's a vibe & I'm coming & coming alive power in the palm of my hand honey, no one loves me like I can like I can go fuck yourself go & moan all alone in your bed go fuck yourself who even cares what the bible said? & so you're solo – but so what? YOLO! you can do it perfectly well go fuck yourself! go fuck yourself
2.
Blue Monday 03:01
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I told my doctor I'm blue & in pain she said "it's true – & your sensitive brain is drained of its verve by the snow on the ground & the sun getting stuck behind cumulus clouds" I wish I could sleep until May instead I suppose I should say: CHORUS: happy Blue Monday I'll be happy again one day the cold & the sorrow, the doom & the gloom today & tomorrow, alone in my room but I've got enough sense left to say: happy Blue Monday all of my friends are just dots on a screen posting their pictures of places they've been & while I won't compare my insides to their outsides we're different, 'cause they're going outside who knows what each cold night might bring I keep myself warm when I sing: (repeat chorus) spring is coming spring is coming soon
3.
Phone Sex 01:44
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I curl my hair & put some lipstick on put on the outfit we agreed upon I charge my phone so you can turn me on 'cause we're having phone sex I set my status to "do not disturb" I wonder what the neighbors overheard I listen hard to every single word when we're having phone sex & though you're miles away, I feel as if you're here the distance doesn't matter when you're in my ear my friends are wond'rin' why I'm rushing home but I'm not lonely & I'm not alone & near or far, you always make me moan we're having phone sex & if the line goes dead while you're giving head, we'll laugh it off you'll call me back, get back on track, & back to getting off I'll take some dirty-talkin' à la carte because you make it such a sacred art I kinda miss it when we're not apart all of that phone sex
4.
Here For Me 04:06
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whether you call me back or leave me on read if you remember me fondly or wish I was dead whether you're happy or whether it's all just an act whatever the weather, I've never forgotten one fact: CHORUS: I'm here for me, unconditionally & I love myself better than anyone else & though I get lonely, I know that it's only a phase 'cause I'm here for me – I'll be here for the rest of my days if love was easy, would it be a thrill? would it be enough to make you wanna kill or be killed? but it's smarter to start from a strong foundation knowing I've got my own back – what a soothing sensation (repeat chorus) & sure, it's tough to be enough on long, cold nights & sure, I'm tired of fighting fires no one else can fight but even this one-bedroom can be a perfect home when all the love I'm guilty of is mine & mine alone (repeat chorus)
5.
Billionaire 02:58
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CHORUS: oh, the rich stay rich & the poor stay poor what the hell is it all even for? I tell you, brother, it isn't fair that anybody gets to be a billionaire just relaxes, pays no taxes flies a private jet into the sun he's so classless; never ask him where his family's fortune comes from buys a website to get his head right overpays, but it's all for the clout & he's alright with the alt-right he's exactly what the alt-right's about (repeat chorus) ain't it funny to borrow money & say you made it all yourself? he's so evil, putting people through a special kind of hell leaves this place & flies to space & honestly, he won't be missed though it's not fair that he's out there let's pretend he doesn't exist (repeat chorus) society was made so we can lead much better lives but now there's assholes in their castles with their servants & their wives if capital is critical shouldn't we all be so blessed? the selfish men are no better than the masses they suppress (repeat chorus) oh, the rich get bored & the poor get sad the rich throw away what the poor never had I tell you, brother, it isn't fair that anybody gets to be a billionaire
6.
Maybe Later 04:02
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my heart is in tatters from a low, low blow & though you're served on a silver platter I think I have to say no I love what you're saying 'bout trust & treating me right but I don't know that you're not playing so I'm gonna call it a night sorry to let you down I'm lost & don't wanna be found CHORUS: not now, but maybe later that's what I'm feelin' in my bones don't wanna be a heartbreaker but let's just see how it goes & if you're bored of me & my apathy then it's fine with me if you set me free not now, but maybe later that's the way it's gotta be I haven't been single for a long, long while I don't know how to do it, baby being lonely isn't my style so I guess I'm learning what I want & who I am not tryna be an asshole, like I don't give a damn I think I just need some time I'm not yours, & you're not mine (repeat chorus) & someday, if all goes well we'll be in love forever or maybe we'll be in hell making new pain together but that's the risk we've gotta take for all the love we wanna make & I don't know how I'll know but I know it's not now (repeat chorus)
7.
Square One 01:57
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what would you do if your love said they needed to leave? would you get through it okay, or would you need to grieve? do you think you could hack it? being back at square one? could you be single & mingle at bars and soirées? & rediscover the tingle from your younger days? do you think you could have any fun back at square one? starting over is a bummer when you're not spring or summer, but fall now you're older, & you're colder do you even want to fall in love at all? would you go hiking or biking to clear out your head? or would you stay home with your cellphone & wish you were dead? when your sadness is a habit you know that you are back at square one you don't know if you can hack it but you know that you are back at square one
8.
Just Be Gay 04:20
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she said goodnight for the last time & she left her ring by the door he said he'd call her; she said "don't bother" he said, "what are you doing this for?" she shrugged her shoulders & headed on her way down the street, all snowy & serene & on the corner, someone waited for her who finally made her feel like she was seen CHORUS: tell the truth don't waste your life away you know you can just be gay it's not like there weren't little hints the way she loved her friends a bit "too" much when they'd sleep over, she'd want them closer & she'd notice when their arms would touch but never could she say a word about it her dad would wish she'd settle for a boy & to her mother, she'd be the other though she'd always been their pride & joy (repeat chorus) you deserve to be loved you deserve to be taken care of you deserve to be yourself you deserve a family who would never say you're going to hell now at last, she's living with her lover & smiling so much more; she's got a glow & all of the haters said "see ya later" & she was all too glad to see them go (repeat chorus)
9.
Toronto 03:29
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dancing on glass at the C.N. Tower shopping on Queen Street & walking for hours popcorn & movies at Dundas Square feeling the lake's grimy breeze in my hair I don't know where else I could go Toronto's the only place that feels like home CHORUS: this city is where I belong where the streets are alive with a song the skyline lights up the night & the people are shining bright Toronto is where I belong coffee shops & brunch on King Street strollin' down Simcoe, the sun is so sweet & even when I'm spending time alone I never feel like I am on my own I don't know where else I could be Toronto's the only place where I feel free (repeat chorus) this city's where I've grown & look who I've become! & though I love to roam I know where I come from (repeat chorus)
10.
Kiss 02:46
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electricity crackles in the air tonight molecules collide & ignite our lips move closer, closer still & I'm wondering what you're gonna taste like humankind seems so evolved but when it comes to a kiss, we're not evolved at all CHORUS: the chemicals should make you feel good the way that we touch, it's no coincidence & though we might try to ask ourselves why we can't, we can't, we can't resist a kiss a brush of skin, a rush of blood oxytocin flows like a flood notice the rhythm of your respiration increasing, along with your pupil dilation humankind seems so advanced but when it comes to a kiss, we never had a chance (repeat chorus) K-I-S-S-I-N-G do you know what you do to me? K-I-S-S, kiss me more this is what my lips are for (repeat chorus)
11.
Rainy Day 02:38
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rain is fallin' on my window cozy in bed, nowhere to go good book, cup of tea in my hand no work to be done, no plans to be planned the peaceful little pitter-patter makes me glad instead of sadder rainy day – no need to go outside just relax until the rain subsides I always say that I love me a rainy day boots on, coat on, head out the door what would I need an umbrella for? when we grow up, we tend to forget that sometimes it's okay to get wet the droplets fall where they may I'm an adult, but I can still play rainy day – no need to hide inside have a splash until you feel alive I always say that I love me a rainy day rain can wash my troubles away enjoy this moment; seize the day! rain can wash my troubles away enjoy this moment; seize the... rainy day – no need to go outside just relax until the rain subsides I always say that I love me a rainy... rainy day – & when the sun appears all my thoughts, just like the clouds, are cleared I always say that I love me a rainy day
12.
69 01:35
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many people love it many people hate it I am somewhere in between it's kinda complicated it can be divisive & it can be divine it's sexy & it's messy, 69 using all your talents but fighting through distraction trying to surrender but never stop the action a test of coordination with pleasure on the line it's tricky & it's sticky, 69 I would gladly use my mouth no need to ask me twice but what is 69 about besides a number that is "nice"? call it overrated or call it iconic you never see my baffled face when you are sitting on it I wouldn't call it stellar I guess I'd call it fine I'll do it if you want it, 69
13.
31 03:31
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I'm turning 31 & I've been having fun but there's still more to do I wanna do it, wanna do it soon how do I measure up? have I been kind enough? done enough therapy? I'm workin' on it, workin' hard on me wish I could email all the people from my past to say "I'm sorry – can I try it again?" but would they answer? give me chances to fix the shit I know that I did wrong back then CHORUS: this is who I am; here's what I can be but I have more potential than this mess that you can see this is who I am; here's what I have done wish that it was more, but I am only 31 I am only 31 I don't feel strong enough but I can cover up vulnerability it's admirable, but can be so scary those girls from middle school they said I'm so uncool & though they're in the past still hurts, because their words were built to last wish I could tell my body & my mind, "we're fine – we made it through & we're here, we're home, we're safe" but it takes more, because the body keeps the score it was a different time, but somehow the same place (repeat chorus) the story of my life from daughter to a wife is one of getting better getting my shit together but now I'm on my own & look how much I've grown there's always more to see but I know who I wanna be (repeat chorus)
14.
Family Tree 04:36
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it says in all the papers my dad was a mover & a shaker but he only moved when the spirit moved him & he only shook when he wanted to shake us up he made us all wanna hide, hide, hide but that's not how it looked from the outside CHORUS: the family tree is getting sicker as the branches tumble & the bark is stripped the family tree is dying quicker than we ever dreamed, & can we handle it? they all said he was a genius but how can that be, when he couldn't even see us? he was in the news, he was in a bruise, he was in a memory but was he in our home when we felt alone? was he in our family? he made us all cry, cry, cry then he'd laugh & he'd ask us "why, why, why?" (repeat chorus) how will he be remembered? tough when we needed him to be tender how will he be forgotten? when we are free from the cage we're caught in (repeat chorus)
15.
I Caught COVID 01:32
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I took a trip to see my friend & by the journey's end I felt a tickle in my throat "is that COVID?" I barely slept; was hard to breathe I would not let myself believe the truth I didn't want to know: that I had COVID the rapid test confirmed my fate now there was nothing but to wait I stayed in bed; I got some rest I got so bored I got depressed I read too many posts online from people with Long COVID but now I'm almost feeling fine thank god for Paxlovid so get your vax; we know it helps & wear a mask – protect yourself I hope you never, ever catch COVID I hope you never, ever catch COVID
16.
The Wife 03:14
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doing his laundry, starching his socks while he is off working, playing with stocks I shine every spoon & sharpen each knife that's the way it goes when you're the wife doing his dishes, cleaning his sink I used to have wishes & thoughts I would think I used to be somebody; I swear, I had a life but that's the way it goes when you're the wife he was so charming, it was rather alarming if I'd known that it would go this way, I'm not sure I'd've stayed but when he bent down, with one knee on the ground it was so strange – my priorities changed cleaning his toilet, cooking his meals I don't mean to spoil it, but this wasn't the deal I had ambitions & goals for my life but that's the way it goes when you're the wife underappreciated & understimulated & though I've tried my best at happiness, it's never gonna fly I'm under-explored, I'm always ignored & I'm fucking bored – oh, tell me, why do I try? packing my suitcase, painting my lips tying my shoelace, kissing the kids get in the taxi & start my new life that's the way it goes when you're the wife I wonder how he'll live without a wife
17.
Cope & Hope 02:37
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take a shower; wash the day away though you've still got more you wanna say settle on the sofa for a spell to watch TV you already know well you dim your brain you sulk & mope you numb the pain you cope & hope you've done it all before & you're gonna do it more pour your heart out; write the words you need on a page that no one's gonna read fire up the pipe & take a hit like you do when you can't handle it you dim your brain you take the dope you numb the pain you cope & hope you've done it all before & you're gonna do it more & who's to say it'll ever end? a vice is nice when it's your friend! you dim your brain you're on the ropes you numb the pain you cope & hope you're lying on the floor & you're trying to ignore that you've done it all before & you're gonna do it more
18.
Safest Bet 03:51
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down in the ocean, you can't see too far is that a shark, or a dolphin? & up here on land, I don't know what you are & that's why I'm scared to go all-in my gear is protective; I'm very selective sorry to be such a heartbreak detective no, you're not defective, & it's all subjective but since I got hurt, I've been far more reflective CHORUS: so forgive me for sayin' you're not the safest bet are you real, or are you playin'? well I just don't know yet & mystery, sure, it can thrill me but mystery also might kill me so yes, I am sorry; you know how I get forgive me for sayin' you're not the safest bet maybe I'm paranoid; maybe I'm crazy maybe reality's not what it seems but when the horizon is horribly hazy I've just gotta chase what I taste in my dreams & all of us crumble & fuck up & stumble & that's why we all have to keep ourselves humble but facing a question is always a lesson I guess that I like how you keep me guessin' (repeat chorus) & what would it take to make you safe in my eyes? it's almost like trust is just a muscle to exercise (repeat chorus)
19.
Your Drink 03:43
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did you always know we'd never be together? did I misread the room? come on too strong, too soon? did you feel it too, or were you like "whatever"? I wish I could tell, 'cause I am in hell so I go to the bar, & order your drink & I sit here & sip, & I think & I think & I know that we both weren't perfect & I know that I'll never get closure, 'cause I don't deserve it I don't deserve it when we stood real close, did you feel the spark in the elevator? or did that come later? did you think about me every night in the dark? or is that projection, a one-sided connection? well, I go to the bar, & order your drink & I sit here & sip, & I think & I think & I know that we both weren't perfect & I know that I'll never get closure, 'cause I don't deserve it I don't deserve it send me a text send me a signal that you're still alive 'cause I'm all alone hiding from people who want me to die send me a carrier pigeon send me a note with permission to let you go I know I should, I know, I know... but go to the bar, & order your drink & I sit here & sip, & I think & I think & I know that we both weren't perfect & I know that I'll never get over you I don't deserve it I don't deserve it I don't deserve it
20.
Bad Sex 04:02
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why is so much sex so bad? so much of the sex I've had, despite my best intentions, has been a fucking bore my pleasure deprioritized, my clitoris ignored why do people even leave the house & go on dates when they'd clearly rather just stay home & masturbate? I am not a Fleshlight; I'm not a rubber doll if you don't try to get me off, you don't get me at all bad sex is an epidemic 'cause of some systemic bullshit that I think is really pretty dumb bad sex is so demoralizing where's all the oral hiding? someone make me come I spend an hour putting on my face picking an outfit, & then finding the place & though I like to think that I am charming & fun all these fuckers only want to fuck me til they're done I've started packing a vibrator into my purse so I can pull it out later some people love it; they think it's so hot but some guys see a bullet vibe & act like they've been shot bad sex is a disappointment & I don't enjoy it, but if I can't have a cake, I'll take a crumb bad sex, the bane of my existence I wouldn't mind assistance someone make me come staring at the ceiling, searching for a feeling making my to-do list in my head with each kiss wond'ring where the time goes – where the hell are my clothes? is there more to do, or can I call my Uber now? bad sex shouldn't be surprising I am compromising & I think that I am starting to go numb bad sex leaves my mind unblown maybe I'll stay alone then at least I'll come
21.
Dodged a Bullet 03:10
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does she kiss you in the morning? does she cuddle you at night? does she put up with your snoring? does she make your coffee right? does she laugh at all your jokes, dear? does she keep you both afloat? 'cause from where I sit, it's so clear: I dodged a bullet that she won't I loved you once, but then it passed I was the love who you loved last & though you're moving on so fast I just don't care! I'm glad I'm here & she is there! does she think your friends are funny? does she love you like you do? does she let you spend her money? that's her prerogative, it's true the disappointment almost killed me but leaving was the antidote I almost feel a little guilty I dodged a bullet that she won't I loved you once, before I knew that I deserved much more than you I know she'd say it isn't true well, good for her! she doesn't know how bad you were! so let her kiss you in the morning let her cuddle you at night let her treat you all adoring maybe she thinks that's alright I hope she cleans up after you, dear 'cause I remember that you don't & from where I sit, it's so clear: I dodged a bullet that she won't
22.
Get You Back 03:17
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I've been only tired & lonely since we said goodbye can't forget the love we shared it just won't die I know I've made mistakes & I swear I'll make 'em right I'm on my knees; I'm beggin', please oh, please come back tonight CHORUS: I'd do anything to get you back if I cut you a deal, will you cut me some slack? I'd do anything to see you again & if the answer is "yes," then the question is "when?" I've been learning, I've been burning the girl I thought I was & I want you, so I won't do the things the old me does don't wanna push you but I've really gotta fight I'm on my knees; I'm beggin', please oh, please come back tonight (repeat chorus) if you say no, I'll have to go my fate is in your hands I never try to make you cry but oh, the best-laid plans... I've learned a lot from loving you but if you want me gone I swear I'll listen to your wishes & I'll move a-, move along (repeat chorus) & if the answer is "no"? well, baby, that is the end
23.
My Body 03:39
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is my body yours, or is my body mine? oh, why do I wonder every damn time? when you touch my skin, do I lose the line? is my body yours, or is my body mine? does it ache today, or is it feeling free? oh, when will it betray me? will I faint on the train? will I shake by the sea? or do I feel okay, temporarily? CHORUS: my body wants to feel so good like I know it could, like I know it should my body wants to be known but I'm stuck inside, & I feel alone so alone inside these muscles & these bones is my body big, or is it really small? am I too short, or am I too tall? does it even matter? does it matter at all, when at the end of the day, all our bodies fall? does my body look cute in a selfie? do they call me lazy or unhealthy? think I just wanna be stealthy & hide away, saying, "don't perceive me – don't perceive me" (repeat chorus) I am not my body, but my body's where I live & when you're in my body, there's no more of me to give I am not my body, but my body is my home & when you're in my body, I can still feel alone I can still feel alone (repeat chorus) is my body yours, or is my body mine? oh, why do I wonder every damn time?

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released November 21, 2023

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Kate Sloan Toronto

Thirtysomething from Toronto. Sex journalist by day, ukulele songstress by night. Writes songs about love, sex, fictional characters, and occasionally jellyfish.

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